I think I have come to the realization that I only truly feel alive when I’m hurt. This sounds sick, twisted, demented, creepy, tourturous and self deprecating but I think it’s so fucking true.
I don’t know if I’m pessimistic or what but I tend to always look ahead to things. Basically, I enjoy the anticipation of things more than I enjoy the event. I look forward to things for days, weeks or months and when they arrive I don’t know how to truly seize the happiness of the moment. It’s as if the torture of anticipation and not being able to grasp what I perceive I want is ironically, what I really want. In other words, I can’t enjoy the happiness of the pay day because it is unteathered from the ropes of suspense. I correlate “suspense” with a feeling that sucks so therefore it works for me. This shit is complicated.
Anyway, all this stuff hits me in the theory that I can’t enjoy something unless I feel some level of pain, some level of wanting, some level of yearning, some level of desperation. That sounds so twisted when I say/type that.
One time about seven years ago I found myself in a good situation. I had gotten my first full-time newspaper job with benefits and all and I was 24. I had a girlfriend that I was staying with that I thought I loved at the time. I called to tell her that I had just gotten the promotion and that meant we could get a new bigger place that I could go half on because I had a steady nice income now. She was excited and so was I. I remember exactly where I was standing on a chilly November night when I hung up the phone with her to finish my cigarette before heading back in to work. I remember thinking this was perfect. I thought this is exactly how life was supposed to go. I thought, “You get a job, you work hard, you meet a girl, you fall in love, you get a place together, soon you get married and have kids then you live the life until you die.” The only problem was I didn’t feel that way. I felt blah. Just blah. I felt like the struggle was over (Boy, was I a dumb fucking 24 year old.) So when I should have been feeling great I didn’t and I’m not sure why. Either way, fast forward six months, we broke up, she moved out and I was stuck at this place all by myself.
I found myself living all alone, I felt overweight from all the late night fast food or meals on-the-go at work, plus I was drinking every night with my friends going to dirty bars and feeling like shit the next day. Luckily, I still had my job and I worked second shift from 5pm-1 am so I had the days off. Well, eventually I joined a gym and quit drinking and smoking for awhile. I taught myself how to cook and started really taking care of myself. I spent hours on my bike or on the treadmill and I was running towards a better life for myself. Every extra mile I ran I just did it with shear determination to fix myself. I found a will inside myself I never knew I had. Eventually, I was all straightened out and met another girl that I ended living with which eventually went down in flames too, but that’s a story for a different day.
Anyway, I bring this story back today because I remember how during that whole transformative period I was running towards tomorrow. I didn’t enjoy all those stupid hours of excercise and cooking, I just thought about tomorrow, and the day after that to get to my goal. When I finally got there I remember feeling a couple moments of proud reflectiveness but that was it. So the message here is that I WANT TO LIVE IN TORTURE AND LONGING!!!
With all of that said, I believe that the pain of breaking up, the pain of failure in a relationship, the pain of thinking I knew and the goal of getting to a better place makes me feel reality. I can truly feel the pain more than any home run I have hit or promotion I have gotten. I feel the burning, yearning and drive to get rid of this pain through excercise, cleaning, blogging and whatever else gets me through it. But the question is, when I get through it this time, which I will, will I enjoy it or still look forward to the next day. If you’re still reading I appreciate it.